But anyway...

Some cool links

2009-04-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

I found these all via various Twitter feeds. Still not sure what I think about Twitter but I like it better than I thought I would.

Penn Jillette on counterintuitive advice and President Obama.
A new idea for drug compliance testing from the Freakonomics blog.
And, finally, today only, you can get William Shatner's classic(?) album The Transformed Man at Amazon.com for only 99 cents. Which is, you know, only 99 cents more than it's worth.

An actual conversation...

2008-09-22T16:37:00.000-07:00

With my 6-year-old son:
Gavin: Why do you call me Gavin-Doo?
Me: It's a nickname.
Gavin: Mom calls me Scooter.
Me: That's her nickname for you; I have a different one for you.
Gavin: I wanted everyone to call me "Yessirree Bob."
Me: Well, you can't give yourself a nickname, buddy.
Gavin: Why not?
Me: It's against the rules.

The Running

2008-06-08T20:00:00.001-07:00

I saw a cool Nashville band called The Running Saturday night. I took this pic with my BlackBerry and it obviously didn't turn out too well but I kind of like it anyway.

Where Babies Come From

2008-06-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

lefturner: where did ian come form?
lefturner: from*
Ill Mo: well
Ill Mo: he arrived in the usual way
lefturner: omg
lefturner: thats not what i meant
lefturner: i meant where did u get the name ian from
Ill Mo: oh
lefturner: :/
Ill Mo: rofl i'm sorry
lefturner: wow.
Ill Mo: i was really confused
lefturner: lol.
lefturner: obv
lefturner: wow.
lefturner: lol
Ill Mo: you asked that
Ill Mo: i was like
Ill Mo: well this could be a really weird conversation

Love and Other Indoor Sports

2008-05-22T19:41:00.001-07:00

According to various sources, this is National Masturbation Week, so here are links to two people, um... enjoying themselves.
First up is this guy who apparently can't get men or women to sleep with him but has managed to score with more than 1,000 cars and other vehicles, including the helicopter from Airwolf. I have no idea how exactly this is supposed to work and I'm not spending any more time trying to figure it out.
And then there's this dude, from (where else?) Florida, where authorities have become so accustomed to him frolicing with alligators that they apparently assume all unidentifiable bodies partially consumed by the reptiles are him.

Monkey Monkey Monkey

2008-04-29T20:33:00.000-07:00

Reporters on the monkey beat must be in a state of perpetual ecstasy this week, because monkeys are everywhere. First, there was last week's revelations about W.B. Yeats and his monkey... um, experiments, and now, monkeys are apparently rampaging through the streets of Lakeland, Fla. If I was still a reporter, I'd love to cover that story if only so I'd have call to use the phrase "monkey-hunt."
Meanwhile in Costa Rica, Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy and Ashlee Simpson were robbed by monkeys, although I have to say that when I first read that story, I thought they had been robbed of monkeys, because I thought "monkey thieves" were thieves who stole monkeys, not thieves who were monkeys. My reaction to this was, of course, "What in God's name were Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson doing running around Costa Rica with a bunch of monkeys in the first place?"
And if Florida weren't having enough problems what with the monkey infestation in Lakeland and all, they've got other issues. Apparently, Satan himself is planning to blow up Walt Disney World. So I guess the Mouse doesn't work for him after all.
And, finally, it seems that stupidity isn't limited to the lower primates this week. Either that or some monkeys have learned to fly planes like in that movie with Matthew Broderick.

Sex, Drugs and Monkey Glands

2008-04-25T20:33:00.000-07:00

From a review of Secret Lives of Great Authors by Robert Schnakenberg on Salon:

Kafka attended a nudist spa; Joyce got turned on by soiled ladies' underwear; Yeats had monkey glands implanted in his scrotum to recharge his virility.

There must have been one hell of a conversation in the doctor's office before that particular procedure.
Yeats: "Well, doc, I'm having some, uh, peformance issues, if you know what I mean."
Doctor: "Hmm. Have you tried oysters? Vitamins?"
Yeats: "Yeah. No dice."
Doctor: "Well, then. I don't know. We could try... How about, uh... monkey glands?"
Yeats: "Ooh, that could work."

Probably NSFW. But funny.

2008-02-16T07:00:00.000-08:00

Today's Random Links

2008-02-13T18:41:00.000-08:00

First, the Barbie Tarot. I have a few questions here. First of all, why? And second of all, does the person responsible for this project realize that these are, you know, dolls?

Second, in case you ever dreamed of playing Pac-Man as a Zork-style text adventure (and, really, who hasn't?), now you can.

It Would Be Funnier If It Weren't So Painful...

2008-01-12T09:49:00.001-08:00

Like Cutting Butter with a Chainsaw

2007-09-12T19:40:00.000-07:00

Nilonka: Blog this.
Ill Mo: Now that's someone I can get behind. He's got a goal and he's seeing it through.
Nilonka: THAT is perserverance.
Ill Mo: Damn straight.
Nilonka: He's got an outline, a few note cards, and even cited his damn sources with receipts. He gets an A.
Ill Mo: Said goal could have been accomplished in any number of much less complicated ways but still, he stuck with it.
Nilonka: He did it his way. Fuck guns.
Ill Mo: At some point, I'm sure he said to himself, "Sure, guns, poison, razor blades, pills, carbon monoxide poisoning--these are all relatively simple and painless ways of doing myself in. But there's no poetry in that. No, by God, I'm going out on my own terms, if I have to buy out the local hardware store to do it."
Ill Mo: You've really got to admire the man who's completely given up on life yet manages to turn self-annihilation into a long-term project.
Nilonka: Right. Like a summer project. Some reroof the house, some build a porch. Others construct mass instruments of death and try them out.
Ill Mo: Everyone needs a hobby.
Ill Mo: It's a good thing he built this contraption to do himself in rather than trying to lure his arch-nemesis into such an elaborate death trap, because that never goes well.
Ill Mo: What exactly is the purpose of a "swing arm" on a guillotine, anyway?
Ill Mo: I mean, as I understand it, it's basically a big damn knife on a rope that falls down, right?
Nilonka: Well, I guess the kind that fall straight down wasn't chic enough.
Nilonka: So his knife was on a large arm, like an axe, that swung down and lopped off the offending body part.
Ill Mo: Thus making an already needlessly complicated project even more convoluted...
Nilonka: Right. What would be awesome is if FOREST ANIMALS built it like in Cinderella and killed him.
Ill Mo: The kind of forest animals who visit the hardware store for supplies and then leave the receipts laying around?
Ill Mo: I have to say, if I'm working in a hardware store and a deer walks in looking to buy guillotine-building materials, I'm kicking his ass right out.
Ill Mo: Antlers or no.
Nilonka: Well, first, I'd see him use a hammer with no opposable digits, then I'm shooting his ass.

Good(?) News

2007-07-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

Apparently, someone in New York City has taken it upon himself to keep the metro area safe from vampires. Now if only someone can keep the city safe from that guy.

Thought for the Day

2007-05-31T09:02:00.001-07:00

Too Much Free Time

2007-05-27T09:11:00.001-07:00

I have been very slothful this week since there's really nothing for me to do. There's only so much Supernatural I can watch. YouTube to the rescue! I found this video on The Ferrett's Blog and I think it's great.

Here are the answers, although Jennifer and I knew a terrifying number of them as we watched it.
And then, just for fun, there's this:

R.I.P. Veronica Mars

2007-05-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

So the CW, as expected, dropped the hammer on my favorite show. Tim Goodman's column in the San Francisco Column is probably the best take on the move that I've seen. Best line:

The network plans to keep an emphasis on women and younger viewers, African Americans, wrestling fans and, with the return of the "Pussycat Dolls" series, people who like skanks.

I'm not sure what kind of logic there is in dropping a show that was a cult hit and a critical darling from a network that's struggling for viewers, but that's the way it goes, I guess. Apparently, me liking a show is the kiss of death for it.
There was some good news from the upfronts. CBS is bringing back Numb3rs for a fourth go-round in the fall, so all is not lost. Also, there's a new CBS show called Moonlight, about a vampire detective who protects the living. I liked that show a lot when it was called Angel. Also, Kevin Smith has a pilot that's going to be on the CW called Reaper which is apparently about a 21-year-old slacker named Sam who becomes Satan's bounty hunter because his parents sold his soul to the devil before he was born and now he must walk the earth, you know, like Kane in kung fu, meeting people and sending them to Hell. And apparently this is a funny show. No idea how that's going to work, but if anybody can pull it off, it's Kevin Smith. However, there's no indication how much he'll actually be involved with the show past the pilot, so I'm dubious at best.

Random Notes

2007-05-01T20:27:00.000-07:00

The Quick-Thinking Award goes to Jennie Sherman of Lincroft, N.J.. When her local cable network temporarily replaced the Disney Channel with hardcore porn, Ms. Sherman turned off the TV so her kids wouldn't see too much. However, she had the presence of mind to TiVo the lurid spectacle so her husband could watch later. I'm pretty sure he'd have been pissed had he come home to find out that their house had access to free porn but he missed it.

Meanwhile, a new study indicates that lesbians are more likely to be obese than straight women. I have no idea what possible use there is for this information, but I certainly feel better knowing that if ever the need arises, someone's got it.

And, finally, the Award for Excellence in Trivial News Reporting goes to Katherine Glover of Salon.com who three days ago tackled the burning question "Why can't gay dwarves get married in Middle Earth?" Apparently, the Middle Earth on-line video game designers are not recognizing civil unions. Thank god someone's getting to the bottom of that. I know the idea of those fictional gay dwarves having to live their lengthy fictional lives in sadness, separated from their fictional chosen companions simply because of anatomy and the ignorant, uncaring attitudes of others, was keeping me up nights. (While I'm on the subject, I have to say that "gay dwarves" is a phrase I never thought I'd have occasion to use in my entire life.)

Science Comes Through Again

2007-03-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

So it seems that while the University of Florida's basketball team is hard at work trying to repeat as national champions, scientists at that same institution are toiling with equal zeal to (I almost can't believe it myself) reconstruct the evolutionary history of lice. I know I've been staying awake at night puzzling over it.
To make the story even better, apparently pubic lice might have passed to humans from gorillas in some sort of prehistoric interspecies hanky-panky. Which gives rise to a whole host of other thoughts that can keep me up at night now that that whole evolutionary history of lice mystery is close to being solved.

Thinking Inside the Box

2006-12-13T17:07:00.000-08:00

Apparently, suicide and domestic violence aren't the only things sending people to the hospital for the holidays. According to this Washington Post story, the amount of packaging on consumer products is also causing a lot of pain and suffering to add to the general rising depression level.
Quote: According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, injuries from plastic packaging resulted in 6,400 visits to emergency rooms in 2004.
So this year, when you're cutting the 5,123 small plastic and wire ties holding your Barbie doll in the box, for god's sake, be careful.

Hot for Teacher

2006-12-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

So I've got this stupid Van Halen song stuck in my head because I came across this story, which puts it in an entirely new light. There's also a lot of unanswered questions here. At least from my perspective, the biggest one is, how the hell did this chick manage to star in a series of porn films in the first place if she's in Paducah, of all places?

Where Are We Now?

2006-11-25T23:31:00.000-08:00

So, making fun of the Daily News got me feeling all nostalgic, so I tried to track down some of the old gang who were there when I started this madness. Here's what I can find out:

First of all, the obvious. I'm still here.

MC Ganyez is still working at the Daily News. Last time I saw him, I kind of put my foot in my mouth by making fun of the stupid fast food reviews they were doing, which turned out to have been his idea. Oh well. They were stupid.

Razzles is now working public relations in Nashville.

Tollbooth Willie is shuffling papers in an office at Western.

Frantic1 is a sales rep for Yellow Book USA and lives in Nashville.

I can't find CC, and neither can Google, although I did find this Chicago-area realtor who has the same name (at least as far as I know she still does) and looks a little like her.

Same goes for KC. If the two of you happen to see this, drop me a line and let me know how the hell you're doing.

Getting Back to Our Roots

2006-11-25T22:25:00.000-08:00

I haven't made fun of anybody for a while, and this week's Daily Snooze has some real gems. Here's a few:

First, we have this edition of Elderly People with Alicia. A taste of the <SARCASM>extremely strong</SARCASM> fragmented quotes with which this riveting piece is peppered:

“But I have never been seasick,” he wrote in the journal.
The next day he “was at the wheel when the sun came up.”

Then there's this lede from Burton Speakman, which manages to be both awkwardly phrased and redundant:

Many law enforcement officers throughout the area say that, compared to other times of the year, they respond to more family disturbances during the holidays.

Finally, there's this, which, at least according to the web site, is an entire story:

Students in Pamela Connally’s kindergarten class at Dishman-McGinnis Elementary School had a lesson on Tuesday about holidays, how people explored and settled America, and Indian cultures in the United States.

I'm awfully glad they're keeping us apprised of the goings-on in the city's kindergarten classrooms. Also, I'm pretty sure they mean Native American cultures, not those of Indian immigrants, but I could be wrong.

NetFlix prize

2006-10-03T12:42:00.000-07:00

This is an incredible idea. I have no idea how to start solving it, but it's a great contest. If you have any ideas, a passing acquaintance with math and/or C++ and a desire to be $1 million richer, we should collaborate.

This space is my space,...

2006-09-30T16:21:00.000-07:00

So I went to MySpace.com today. First time. I was looking for bands my cousin, Meredith, plays in. Found two of them, The Debutantes and The Fervor. The Fervor, as it turns out, put out an album last year that is available on iTunes, so I downloaded it.
But anyway, what I wanted to talk about was that while I was browsing, MySpace kept giving me helpful, if a bit random, messages. Like, on Meredith's page, a white rectangle at the top of the page informed me that "Meredith is in your extended network." When I saw that, I thought, "Thank God." After all, I didn't even know I had a network, but apparently not only do I have one, it's extended, which has got to be better than just a plain old run-of-the-mill network. Anyway...
Check out the bands. They're cool. And this has nothing to do with the fact that my cousin plays in them. Well... maybe a little. But still. Just sayin'.

Today's Random Lyric

2005-01-09T21:59:00.000-08:00

I almost got drunk at school at fourteen
And I almost made out with the Homecoming queen
Who almost went on to be Miss Texas
But lost to a slut with much bigger breasts
I almost dropped out to move to L.A.
Where I was almost famous for almost a day
—Bowling For Soup, "Almost"

Today's List of Weird Links

2005-01-09T20:30:00.000-08:00

1. Let's suppose you have a lot of Post-It notes, some limited amount of artistic ability, an unhealthy obsession with Nintendo characters, and a nigh-infinite amount of free-time. What could you do? Make a mosaic of Mario on your garage wall, then post an account of the operation to your web site, of course. Gotta love bored people.
2. If you're sick and tired of people stealing your laptop, you can now buy a computer bag shaped like a pizza delivery box. As long as you don't run into those crooks who also like to steal pizzas, it's all good.
3. For everyone who's ever been kept awake at night wondering what an X-ray photo of Charlie Brown might look like (C'mon, admit it.) the wait is over.
4. Finally, here's a recent Seattle Times story about brilliant criminal and America's Most Wanted alumnus James "Rick" Johnson. Johnson, who was wanted in connection with a 1997 jewelry store robbery in California, had eluded police for seven years and was carrying nearly $2,000 in cash on his person when he decided to steal a tip jar containing $40 from an espresso stand in a statuary store. When the espresso maker noticed the theft, she yelled, and burly people who move statuary for a living came and chased Johnson, who was then apprehended by police.

Today's Random Lyric

2005-01-08T21:59:00.000-08:00

Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don't even own a TV
—Harvey Danger, "Flagpole Sitta"

Football Follies

2005-01-08T20:50:00.000-08:00

I got home from the Magic tournament and flipped to ABC to see the end of the Chargers-Jets playoff game, and I was just in time to see Jets lineman Eric Barton make one of the dumbest plays I've ever seen.
When I turned the game on, the Chargers, down 17-10, were facing third-and-goal from about the one-and-a-half yard line. After LaDanian Tomlinson was stopped for no gain, San Diego ran some time off the clock then called a timeout to set up the next play. With 22 seconds left, San Diego's season came down to one last try. They ran a pass play, which New York covered extremely well, and Drew Brees wound up having to toss up a Hail Mary, which the Jets knocked down.
Game over, except that Barton, displaying frostbite of the brain even in the wet, muggy southern California evening, ran into Brees after he threw the ball, then gave Brees a shot to the head with his forearm. He probably could have gotten away with just running over him since he was coming at a dead run, but the shot to the head earned him a personal foul flag for roughing the passer. New set of downs for San Diego at the one, and on the next play, Brees fires a touchdown pass. Their kicker put the extra point right down the pipe, and we're in overtime.
After New York stopped the Chargers on their opening drive of the extra period, San Diego's defense got them the ball back, then drove down the field to about the Jet 22, but the kicker pushed a 40-yard field goal wide right, and so the game's continuing as I write this.
If the Jets lose, Barton's going to go down as the dumbest lineman since Leon Lett, and he probably should even if they end up winning this one. There's just no excuse for that kind of stupidity.
PS—Just as I finished writing this, the Jets won the game, 20-17, on a field goal in overtime. I guess someone really does watch over fools and children.

Today's Random Lyric

2005-01-04T21:59:00.000-08:00

They say the devil's in the details and I know what they mean
I"m walking in the wasteland with the ghost in the machine
There's a simulated sunset and the starlight in my eyes
The skies are filled with miracles but half of them are lies
—Warren Zevon, "Real or Not"

Something To Believe In

2005-01-04T18:33:00.000-08:00

There's an interesting article in the New York Times today in which they asked scientists and others about what sorts of things they believed in, but were unable to prove. It's an interesting read if only because it points to one of the central dilemmas that I think everyone grapples with at some point in their lives—the dichotomy between what one knows and what one believes. You do have to register to read it, but it's free.

Today's Random Lyric

2005-01-03T21:59:00.000-08:00

You woke up this morning, got yourself a gun
Your mama always said you'd be the chosen one
She said you're one in a million, you got to learn to shine
You were born under a bad sign with a blue moon in your eyes
—Alabama 3, "Woke Up This Morning (Chosen One Mix)"

Guess Who's Back, Back Again

2005-01-03T21:38:00.000-08:00

So I know it’s been a while since my previous attempt at a blog met its premature end after more than a year of mocking the hapless and deserving, but I decided it was time to return to cyberspace. After all, I have this iBook, and to make it worth the $1,000 I paid for it a year and a half ago, I guess I need to use it for something other than occasionally watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs.
This time around, I’m not going to take as many potshots at the literary efforts of some people who shall remain (sort of) nameless, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be some, just not today.
But anyway…
I re-entered the workforce officially today, and I found out where the imbeciles whose granddads don’t own newspapers go to work.
Some moments of Zen from my eight-hour training session at All Faces Need Incisors:
I was sitting next to a young man from New York City. On the other side of him was an older woman of the larger persuasion from Ohio with a voice that on first hearing I mistook for a man’s. This woman, whose name I wouldn’t write here even if I could actually remember it, was also possessed of a rather volatile temperament and a vocabulary that was fully stocked with some rather colorful idioms, most of them involving words not printable in a family publication, and some including words that would probably be inappropriate for publication in Penthouse Forum. The best approximation I can come up with for this person is a misbegotten cross between Roseanne Barr and Larry King. How’s that for a frightening image? (For the sake of brevity, in the rest of this account I shall refer to this creature as Larryanne, which rhymes with "Carrie Anne," who was that girl in that song by The Hollies. This woman was like her, only scary instead of pretty. And old instead of young. And... never mind.) To her right was another more-than-adequately-sized older woman and then a younger girl who appeared to be a recent high school graduate.
The main part of today’s eight-hour adventure was a getting-to-know-everyone session, during which we all went around the room and told some things about ourselves, including our favorite foods, vacation spots, and experience as customer servants.
Three things that came to light during this session, and I cannot stress enough the fact that I’m not making any of this up:
1. One woman has some pet meat goats. I still don’t know what the hell a meat goat is, but what I do know about them is that they “need as rough as ground as possible,” and I passed that little tip on to her, then laughed and laughed. The meat goats’ owner looked a bit mystified, and I think she probably regards me as a somewhat suspect person now, but that’s life.
2. The guy to my right, whose dark skin made him appear to be either of African-American or Hispanic descent, doesn’t like to be asked what race he is. I know this because after he introduced himself, he launched into a random diatribe about that very thing. As far as I could tell, no one had actually asked him what race he is, at least not in the past several hours we had been together in the room, but you don’t interrupt a guy when he’s in the middle of a good rant. After the rant, though, I overheard him confide to Larryanne that he’s Puerto Rican, so that’s one mystery solved.
3. Another guy has a small dog that might (the dog’s owner wasn’t sure) be a Shih-Tzu, or at the very least is a member of some similarly rat-sized canine breed. But the owner, a sallow-faced young man of maybe 20, hates the dog because every time it comes near him, it bites him. Multiple times. Savagely. So basically, we have a five-pound dog which randomly attacks the person who is its alleged master on a regular basis. I don’t know what that says about the dog, but it does suggest some things about the owner, one of which is that he might be from Letcher County, which was held at bay for several weeks while I was in college by a pack of 27 “marauding Chihuahuas.” Really. I didn’t make that up, either. The Lexington Herald-Leader did a big story about it. I wanted to link to it, because no matter how many times you read the phrase “marauding Chihuahuas,” it’s still two of the funniest words you can possibly string together. Right up there with “meat goat.” But, alas, I couldn’t find it in their archives. You’ll just have to trust me about the Chihuahuas. Marauding Chihuahuas, even.
Anyway, during the course of this fascinating series of revelations, someone mentions that an unusually high percentage of homosexuals (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) work at this company, for reasons known only to themselves and their respective higher beings. Said revelation came toward the end of the session, and then the class took a fifteen minute break.
During the break, I remained in the training classroom to read a few more pages of Faithful by Stephen King and Stewart O’Nan (a really interesting book, by the way). Directly, my neighbors return. Apparently, during their break, they had overheard a lengthier discussion of the sexual proclivities of our new coworkers, including the training session leader, who, it seems, doesn’t drive stick herself.
When the four of them realize that the teacher is, or at least might be, swinging from the other side, they are overtaken by fits of laughter that go on for several minutes.
I thought that this was about as bad as it could get and was just minding my own business, listening to the teacher (who, according to consensus, might be… say it with me, in a whisper, with some giggling… lesbian) carry on about her dog, which, in her expert and unbiased opinion, is very smart. (No word on the dog in question’s sexual orientation, in case you were wondering.) Of course, I couldn’t resist the chance to question someone’s evaluation of the relative intelligence of a nonhuman creature.
“He’s not part dolphin or anything, is he?” I believe was the first question I asked, followed by, “Have you seen any evidence of opposable thumbs?”
The instructor, a nice enough woman, assured me that she’s sure the dog is smart because, on a trip to some lake last year, he sat perfectly still after she and her roommate (girlfriend?) left him on a dock to take his picture.
I didn’t really see how this proved his intelligence, any more than I believe that a turkey’s ability to outwit one of my former coworkers on a regular basis demonstrates that species’ superior intellectual prowess, but I let this one slide.
At this point, before I go on, I have to reiterate that I am not making any of this up.
So then, after the dog intelligence discussion, we move on to some other inane topic, and suddenly I hear Larryanne say to the Puerto Rican guy in the loudest whisper ever, “I can’t wait to take this fucking bra off.”
The four other people closest to me obviously heard this declaration and immediately went into gales of laughter. I tried my best to cover the look of sheer horror than I’m absolutely sure must have been on my face at the thought of this woman removing any of her garments, especially one with such a vital containment role. The younger girl a few seats down jumped on this comment with a fervor that I found more than a little disturbing, and she and Larryanne began a spirited discussion of the discomfort caused by feminine undergarments and the mechanics of removing said garments while driving cars in traffic.
At this point, the instructor (who, you’ll remember, is possibly gay) asked what all the laughter was about, resulting in them calming down somewhat. I can honestly say that I have never been more grateful to be forced to watch an excruciatingly boring Powerpoint presentation about the history of a company than I was at that moment.